To Contact Us
Write:
PO Box 1603
Lafayette, IN 47902
Phone:
(765) 742-2050
Fax:
(765) 742-7513
E-mail
our office
Happening ... in the Local Church
Speaker
offers insight on grief during holidays
By Kevin Cullen
The Catholic Moment
LAFAYETTE — Christmas is a happy time, as families celebrate the birth of Jesus, exchange gifts, eat, drink and enjoy each other’s company.
But if you’ve recently lost a loved one, sorrow and anxiety can intensify as Dec. 25 approaches. All you see is an empty chair. You may want to forget about Christmas … but you can’t.
“Give yourself permission to talk about the memories, say the person’s name, and use the word ‘died,’” said Melissa Nelson, bereavement coordinator for St. Elizabeth Hospice in Lafayette.
“Reach out to family and friends. It’s easy to get isolated when you’re grieving,” she said. “You need a list of people you can call at 3 o’clock in the morning.”
Her talk, “Coping with Grief and Loss During the Holidays,” attracted approximately 50 people to the Kathryn Weil Center for Education on Dec. 6.
Nelson, a registered nurse, has served the dying and their families for many years. She talked about what survivors can do to survive the holidays; how friends and family can help them, and how holiday customs can be altered to honor the dead.
“I tell new widows and widowers to cry. Let the tears come; they will,” said one attendee, Carolyn Morgan, a retired nurse who belongs to St. Joseph Parish, Kentland.
“I think giving flowers is good. I keep our church in flowers,” said Rosellen H. Shoaf of Lafayette.
By decorating the graves of loved ones on birthdays and wedding anniversaries, she replaces sadness with beauty and remembrance.
Nelson talked about a woman whose mother died at Christmas time, four years ago.
Every year, the approach of the holiday rekindled her crushing sense of loss.
“There’s a big void there. It’s hard to describe the absence of something, but you know it’s there,” she said.
It’s important, she said, for survivors to “talk, talk and talk.”
Often, friends avoid mentioning the dead person because they don’t want to upset the loved ones. Although it may be uncomfortable at first, friends should “just blurt it out,” and initiate such discussions, Nelson said.
“Say her name. If we can talk about her death, we can talk about her life,” she said.
Using the word “died” can be tough at first, but it helps survivors accept that the person is truly dead.
“Be lovingly direct and clear,” Nelson said. “Shine a spotlight on the feeling. That will calm it.”
Grief can lead to many mental and physical problems: fatigue, frustration, sadness, loss of appetite, insomnia, lack of concentration, forgetfulness and unexpected “grief bursts,” so filled with sobbing that the person is incapacitated.
Nelson urged survivors to take care of their health. Those who can’t sleep through the night should try to take naps. Good nutrition is vital, too. Vitamins and proper hydration are needed.
Exercise — especially walking — strengthens both body and spirit.
“Exercise as soon as you are able,” she said. “At first, you may not have enough energy, but as soon as you are able, start walking.”
A 30-minute walk, three times a week, has the same effect as a popular prescription anti-depressant, she said.
“Our bodies are meant to be used,” Nelson said. “(Walking) is the Number One thing you can do for yourself to elevate mood.”
For many, prayer and meditation provide comfort, she said. Others find that volunteering allows them to forget their cares for a while. Often, grief is eased by going to a movie, listening to music, cooking or enjoying a hobby.
“Some people like to knit their grief out,” Nelson said. “It helps them feel grounded and centered.”
She also recommends starting a journal. Sometimes, she said, writing helps a person process grief and sort out his deepest feelings.
At other times, solitude is a powerful medicine.
“It’s OK to need to pull the covers over your head on Christmas Day,” Nelson said. “… It’s called ‘taking care of yourself.’”
The holiday itself can be changed, too.
For instance, to help get through the first Christmas after a death, a family might opt to go on a Christmas vacation together. Others might try a restaurant meal, instead of a traditional dinner at home.
“Think about, ‘How am I
going to handle this?’” Nelson said. “What is likely to hurt the most? Don’t
plan to do the same old thing and think it will feel good. It won’t feel
good.”
Ideas for those who are grieving
Here are some holiday ideas for people who are grieving, provided by Melissa Nelson, bereavement coordinator for St. Elizabeth Hospice:
• Give a gift with a recent photo of the person who has died.
• Keep a chair empty, and a candle burning, during Christmas dinner.
• Raise a toast to the person who has died. • Buy flowers for the altar at church.
• Take something that the person liked, and give it as a gift. Each year, give it to someone else in the family.
• Make a collage of favorite photos of the person.
• Hang a stocking with the person’s name on it. Ask each person to write a favorite memory on a slip of paper, and put it in the stocking. Later, read the memories together.
• Make a memorial Christmas tree ornament.
• As a family, plan a memorial garden. In the spring, plant it; in the summer, enjoy it.
• Tie a note to a helium-filled balloon and release the balloon into the air.
• Sing the loved one’s favorite song, read the lyrics, or read a poem before the holiday meal.
• Think of a creative way to sign Christmas cards, acknowledging the memory of your loved one.