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Happening ... in the Local Church
 Understanding
our God-given temperaments can help parents nurture their children and
develop their faith, guest speaker Art Bennett said during a recent
presentation at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel Parish. (Photos by Caroline B.
Mooney) |
 Author
Art Bennett signs a book for Barb Gryna after his presentation in
Carmel. |
 Christine
Curran and Phyllis Darnell (foreground) share a laugh during the talk on
the four temperaments. |
By Caroline B. Mooney
The
Catholic Moment
CARMEL — They have the same parents, but you would never know it.
Paul is quiet, Mary talks constantly, Sue is prayerful, Joe is compliant … almost to a fault.
Understanding the four basic God-given temperaments can help parents nurture their children and develop their faith.
“Our temperaments are how we tend to react,” Art Bennett, family therapist and author, told 150 people who came to learn about the four types at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel Church on Feb. 27.
He spoke on “The Temperament God Gave You” and “The Temperament God Gave Your Spouse.” He and his wife, Laraine, have co-authored two books with those titles.
Parents all need to appreciate their children, affirm them more, help them grow and help them experience God and the beauty of the Catholic faith, Bennett said. To do that, parents need to figure out each child’s temperament and try to understand why things are going on.
The four temperaments everyone fits into, he said, are: choleric, phlegmatic, melancholic and sanguine.
Cholerics are very confident, competent, outspoken and extroverted.
It doesn’t mean they know what they are talking about, but they have the most natural inducement of confidence and they go after stuff, Bennett said. When they see walls, they want to get through them. They like to challenge things. These are kids you want, but you don’t want to experience them.
“The choleric can roll over people,” he said. “Parents need to teach them virtue and to be more empathetic. Teach them graciousness, docility — not to be a doormat, but just don’t push people around.”
Phlegmatic people are cooperative team players. They tend to be compliant and obedient. They hate conflict and are tempted to take the blame to end conflict. It is the least confident temperament.
“Phlegmatics need to be taught initiative and the practice of asserting themselves, being confident,” Bennett said. “They can be too cooperative, and need help with overcoming conflict. Christ gives us strength to overcome conflict.”
Sanguine temperaments are the happiest by nature. The most extroverted, they love to talk.
“The sanguine wants to be closer to you, and wants to feel you enjoy them,” Bennett said. “They are wildly optimistic and tend to fool around too much. Confident and socially adept, they work hard, are outgoing and have great social ability, but they need to be taught perseverance.”
The melancholic is the most introverted temperament.
“They start inside and it’s hard to get them out,” he said. “They love prayer, details and meditation. They are neat and tidy, love order and don’t like spontaneity. When conflict occurs, they get nervous. They have the hardest time relating to others. Parents need to acknowledge and affirm all their strengths. Melancholics need help to connect with people, to show concern for others and be charitable.
“Temperament is part of your personality and character, but it’s not all of your personality,” he said. “Your family of origin also makes up your personality. Your education and culture also form you, along with the grace of God in our lives.”
Bennett said that parents tend to have an affinity with the children who are most like them.
“We also need to know our own weaknesses to help in parenting our kids,” he said. “Appreciate the gifts your kid has, the gifts God has given them. They need that. Always be overt in showing you love them.”
Frank Clancy, a member of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel Parish, said he came to the talk “because it really interested me and I wanted to find out more about the temperaments of my kids. They are all grown now, but I think it will help me interact with them as mature adults. I think it will also help me with my grandkids.
“Bennett is a marvelous speaker and I really appreciate Our Lady of Mt. Carmel bringing him here,” he said.
Christine Curran, also from Our Lady of Mt. Carmel, said she had read Bennett’s book “a while ago and it was fun finding out where I fall. I have eight kids, so I have a variety of temperaments with them. I also have 26 grandkids, so this is all very interesting. He is such a strong speaker and helps you really see your strengths.”
“I could really identify with the choleric temperament,” said Phyllis Darnell, a parishioner of Our Lady of Mt. Carmel, mother of four and grandmother of five children.
“I enjoyed the humor in his talk and I learned a lot,” she said. “This is my second time around learning about temperaments. I learned about them a long time ago, but never got a firm handle on it. He really helped. I never understood how you challenged your kids with their different temperaments, and I’m not sure I did a good job with that.”
Bennett is a licensed marriage and family therapist and director of Catholic mental health clinics in Maryland and Virginia.
He is also the host and co-producer of a Catholic radio show in the Washington, D.C., area. He has more than 20 years’ experience in the mental-health field and is a frequent speaker on marriage and family issues. He writes a monthly column on families and work for the National Catholic Register.
He has been married for 28 years and has four children.
“We are blessed with our Catholic families that we take parenting very seriously,” Bennett said. “The support Christ gives us is extraordinary. Jesus offers us friendship — we can literally have a warm friendship with God. He promises us peace and wants us to live life abundantly, but there is going to be trouble — that comes along with raising kids. We have to expect a little trouble, even with those we love.”
He said that above all, children should have no doubt that their parents love them.
“Given this gift, you can go through life,” he said. “You feel you can get up because you are loved. Secondly, your kids have what it takes. They can overcome problems partly because of our faith.
“Forming our kids is a big job,” Bennett said, “but it’s easier when we team up with Christ and our spouse. Our character is bigger than our temperament. Can you change temperament? Parents can try.”